Any sort of break-up in a relationship, whether it be romantic, a close friend or distancing yourself from a family member, has the potential to be devastating. When these close connections break down (as most are destined to at some point or another), it can be heart wrenching. Especially when the very person you'd go to for support in these difficult times is now unavailable to you.
Recently a close friend confided in me as a lifelong friend had cut them off. They were, understandably, gutted. This break-up (of sorts) was sudden, unceremonious + devastating as they'd been a core support pillar in their life for years. I've been in this spot a handful of times myself but it wasn't until my friend reached out to me, that I was able to fully articulate my thoughts on dealing with grief in way that (I hope!) wasn't dismissive of their feelings.
I know how easy it is for people to fall back on platitudes when the going gets tough (God knows I've done that in the past). It's uncomfortable when someone you care about is having a hard time + I think articulating your support is difficult + awkward. This is further compounded by the fact that logically, we all know things will get better, but being told that when you're in the middle of your grieving does little to soothe or support.
So, partly to my friend, partly to me 8 years ago, + partly to anyone else out there going through a breakup. I'd like to give some advice on getting through this particular flavour of loss.
The Advice (for those going through hard times)
The relationship has run it's course. It fucking sucks, especially since they've been there for you in the past. But, if you can bear with me, I would like to encourage you to see this loss in a different light.
Relationships aren't easy. They require a tonne of time, effort + will power to make work. Losing this person will free up that energy to build new connections. Now is the perfect time to rediscover that hobby you never had time to do before, or try out that class you've always thought about, or call that mate you've not chatted to in months + grab lunch. Besides being fulfilling in their own right, this is also how you will find new people to fill that void that's been created. Just try to avoid trauma dumping in the first few meetings. I've been on both sides of the exchange + it just feels bad for both people.
This doesn't have to happen all at once, in fact, if you're still reeling from this recent loss, it's probably better to space it out a little as you inevitably come to grips w/ your new world order.
Ultimately, things will get better, even if it doesn't feel like it at the moment. I don't mean to downplay how you feel right now. Just to re-iterate, this is a supremely shit situation to be in. I just want to try + plant the seed that the bad times will pass.
Now with that seed planted, allow to follow it up w/ something a little bit more actionable then "simply don't be sad, dummy". Rapid fire
Find/get back into your hobbies. This is what will give you life + will do the most to getting you back to some sense of normalcy.
Eat some nice food. Good food will help you get your body back on track which does wonders for your mental state. I might do up a post on my go-to depression meals for when I don't feel like cooking. I have like 3 but they're all basically microwave rice, some form of protein (the packs from Coles that you just put in the oven for 20 mins are awesome) + spinach/rocket salad mix. Mix in some mayo + salt and you've got something which ticks most of your nutritional boxes while also being cheap + quick/easy to assemble.
Lastly, reach out to someone. You may feel alone, but there are people out there that care about you. Whether it's a close friend, a family member, or one of the hotlines in your country - not sure about anyone else, but if you're an Aussie, Lifeline is a free, 24 hour service. They can be called on 13 11 14. There is absolutely no shame in reaching out to someone. We're all in this together!
More Advice (for those supporting someone through a hard time)
I remember when I had my last breakup, a friend I'd told about the affair just sent me 'Good' from Jocko's Podcast. With hindsight, I've come to appreciate the advice (I think it's pretty close to the point I'm trying to make), plus it does seem to genuinely help some people.
Maybe you're the type of person who appreciates the harsh wake up call. If so, more power to you. I'm glad you've found something that worked.
But for me, at that time of my life, all it did was make me feel like shit. Umm actually, your long-term partner cheating on you + leaving is not 'good'. In that moment it is the furthest thing from good. I wanted to feel heard + instead all I got was some recycled advice that didn't really care about my situation.
I think when someone comes to you with a problem they're probably seeking one of two things. Either they want help figuring it out, or they want someone to vent their sorrows/grievances/anger too. If we're not espousing platitudes at people, I think we too often fall into the trap of trying to 'fix' a problem when all someone wants, is to feel heard.
I say this as a self-confessed, serial 'fixer'. But when I say people are seeking solutions or consolations, I think the split is probs 30/70 (in favour of being heard). Most of the time we know what we need to do, we're just either too nervous about what it would take, or the problem is so nebulous + built up in our minds that any advice we get is probs going to be ignored because we're too overwhelmed by it all.
Long ass preamble aside, what I'm getting at is that we should set aside, at least initially, our notions of fixing the problem. Instead, focus on really listening to the person. If you can do it in-person, that's usually best + will encourage the person to get outside. If you are separated by a long distance, or they don't feel up to it, then messages/a phone call will do, but to me, it always feels a lil impersonal. Maybe that's just me though? Personally, I just find it way harder to convey the care I'd like to in these delicate situations through a screen, but everyone's situation is different.
To sum up...
I think in general, you should treat advice like you would a pair of clothes (credit to Mark Manson for the metaphor). Try it out + see if it fits. If it works, fantastic! If it doesn't, discard it, and look for something else. To extend the clothing metaphor a bit more though, if it doesn't seem to work at first, maybe just put it through the wash a few times. Sometimes we need to wear away those rough edges 😉
Life is hard, we're all just doing the best we can. What I've written here is my thoughts + feelings based on experiences that I've had. If you're really struggling to handle whatever event you're going through, reach out + see a professional. There is only so much that you can outsource to a random stranger on the internet/your friends + family. At some point, maybe it's time to seek the advice of someone who does this for a living.
Whatever you're going through, I know you'll make it through this.
Just take care of yourself :)